Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
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They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial