they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
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The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card