If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
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In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Terribly Tuesday.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles