People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
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*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Yep.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.