Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
You Might Also Like
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Monday?
No. Next question.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH