You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
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Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?