One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
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“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.