[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
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I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.