My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
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If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there