My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
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You’re the water to my grease fire.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.