If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
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I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.