Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
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Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
#CatsOnTwitter
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
felt that
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
road rage
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying