check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
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My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.