Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
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reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.