Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
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Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*