[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
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people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded