I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
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ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
This is sending me to another galaxy