Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
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Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*