A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
You Might Also Like
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.