Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
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Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
This is why I hate group projects
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History