super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
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Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?