Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
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Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”