*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
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Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.