He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
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First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
lmfao come on
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.