Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
You Might Also Like
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
This has made my week.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Don’t tell me what to do
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!