Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
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Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?