PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
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Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
What?
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”