I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
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(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.