I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
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I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
termite twitter scares me
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month