I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
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*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
This meal prepping shit is easy
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Quadruple digit IQ