An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
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me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year