“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
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mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
everyone’s a critic
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever