“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
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What if the weather talks about us?
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it