Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
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From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.