Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
You Might Also Like
Wait a second…
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.