The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
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Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Not all heroes wear capes…
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
scenes of unspeakable carnage