Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
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Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
repaired
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.