“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
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Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
My plans: 2020:
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.