People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
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My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.