I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
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The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
My beach vacation Google searches
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.