I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
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There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*