Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
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They say women only use 10% of their anger
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
i baked you a cake
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot