I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
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Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?