What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
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waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
He a real one for that
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade