How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
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Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Hey I worked for it too!
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
scrabbled eggs
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.