*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
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Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
I’m sure it’s fine.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Finally, a door that understands me
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.