I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
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My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.