I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
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*clicks on “remember me”*
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
it’s finally my moment to shine
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…