If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
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duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.