Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
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“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period